Original Post 1.17.2010

Sorry folks, I know I am a bit late to the party seeing as there hasn’t been Bachelor Bashing until tonight, post Episode 3, but things have been a little crazy around here! By crazy I mean I’ve been gluing rhinestones to paper ducks in preparation for a party that’s guest of honor was a small, sweet child who had no clue what the hell was going on and will one day be totally embarrassed by the bling. So yes, I do mean”crazy” in the literal sense.

But I digress….In summary, Episode 1 contained a lot of slooooow talking, some manscaping and even more topless Brad with water dripping down his chest. Episode 2 contained more fighting between 2 ladies who never got the memo that men do not like women who catfight, unless there is jello and bikinis involved.

Moving on to this week….Hi everyone! Welcome to 1994, the year when Seal won the Grammy for “Kiss From A Rose” and the year that Brad’s date with Ashley S. would have been impressive. I actually think that I could probably have booked him for the recent birthday suaree hosted at my house AND had him dress like a duck for less than I paid for the cupcakes. Correct me if I’m wrong, but The Bachelor is a rather popular show, no? I would think that they would have the cash to get a bigger name….Like Train?!? I won’t even continue down that path. Thankfully for Brad, Ashley S. (who is a total sweetie) had an emotional connection to this very song, a coincidence that was pretty much the equivalent of winning the lotto.

I knew this season of the Bachelor was blog-worthy when I realized that I was watching Episode 3 and the craziest chick remaining was NOT the chick with fangs and the craziest line of the night was NOT “Don’t take out your fangs….I like your fangs”. Michelle has actually been able to steal the spotlight from the vampiress. In the Twilight era, this is no easy task!

Millionaire Matchmaker may say that Brad’s “picker” is off. Another piece of info I uncovered while doing thorough investigation on ABC.com to support that is that Brad is 38 years old and most of the women are at least 10 years younger. I’m no expert, but I would have to guess that Brad has some input on what type of ladies he would like, judging from all of the sweet southern drawls I hear. I’m no therapist, but we’ve all talked to the 40-year-old dude grinding on girls at The Cubby Bear…It rarely works(no offense Heff, I’m sure you and your new fiance with be fine).

The age difference may not only be an issue for Brad. These young ladies should consider how slooooowly Brad will end up talking when he grows old. It takes him about 5 minutes to get out a sentence at 38, I can’t imagine what he’ll be like down the road! Good lord! I hardly live life at a Manhattan-like pace, but I find myself wanting to watch the show in fast forward. I fully expect them to have to tack on at least 2.5 episodes to account for time lost on impaired sentence formation.

I’m not ALL about making fun though, I do really like some of the girls. My front runner would have to be Emily! Such the Southern Belle. Her story brings tears to my eyes, but it makes me root for her even more. I’m a sucker for a blonde (or perhaps a self-loving narcissist) and I’m totally going to Single White Female her look! In addition, this little sweetie has 2 tattoos (thanks ABC.com) which means there is a little bit of a wild side somewhere beneath that sweet southern charm. Plus, she’s got a 5-year-old, so Brad will make up for lost time starting a family and won’t have to trot her to her first day of college on a walker.

I knew I wouldn’t be too heartbroken at eliminations when I didn’t even recognize 2 of the girls who were let go. Aside from them, I’d venture to say that Brad was going to toss some garlic at the long lost Cullen sister before she eliminated herself, so he should thank her for saving him some time. I’d like to give a big “WHATEVA” to the brunette who said Brad was probably intimidated by her and clue the poor blonde into this thing called waterproof mascara. We all know it’s never good to attend an event where someone may smash your heart in a million pieces without it, and who wants to be heartbroken and looking like you lost a fight with J Wow all at the same time? From up here on my pedestal, that’s exactly what it looked like.

Can’t wait til next week!