The Ten Types Of Facebook Friends On Your Newsfeed

March 31, 2011-

By Lauren

From Fashion to Facebook…

As I signed onto Facebook this morning and looked to the left, I noticed something…My friend count had dropped by FOUR in the past week! Yes, I’m aware it’s a bit lame I know this, but I was happy to have broken the 300 milestone, which I am also aware is small potatoes for many. What a kick in the shin! It was like not getting invited to homecoming all over again!

At this point, I have a love hate relationship with this social media king. By now, we’ve all been on it long enough to know that everyone has their own Facebook personality and quirks. Just like our “real” groups of friends, you glance at your Newsfeed and know what to expect out of most. You’ve got the funny friend who always thinks of the clever post before you. You’ve got the cool friend who knows just want to post. You’ve got the nice friend who is always posting compliments on your pics. And then you have the others…

Here is my attempt at dissecting what “type (s)” of somewhat annoying FB friend I could possibly be to warrant the buh-bye’s!

The Mom-Updater– Everyone has her….”Timmy has a cold” 10:41am. “Timmy ate his first organic, gluten-free cracker” 10:42am. “Timmy said his FIRST word, and he’s only 1 month old!” 10:43am. Mobile Upload of Timmy eating cracker 10:44am. Video of Timmy “saying his first word” 10:45am. Sure people with kids are going to throw their pictures up there and make status updates once and awhile, I do it, but some people need to ask themselves who on their friend list reallly wants to know what world’s smartest, cutest, fill-in-the-blank-child is doing every 2.5 minutes!

The WTF Facebooker – Many of us remember it! The first time the person who birthed you, or even the person who birthed the person who birthed you popping up in our “People You May Know” box. Ahhhh! Take down the body shot pics immediately! Luckily, thanks to the limited profile option, many have avoided getting grounded as an adult! (No offense Mom & Granny …. You’re cool :-)!)

The Vomiter– “I have the flu…Again!” “Another headache”. “Another bad day” Updating people when you are sick or throwing in a “bad day” update can be totally acceptable, but if it’s everyday, I suggest looking into some hand sanitizer or a new heathcare plan that covers preventative care, because it’s just depressing the rest of us!

The Cool Foursquarer/Updater– “Lauren has checked in at Underground” 1:11am. Mobile Upload: Cool pic with D-List Reality TV celeb. “Lauren has checked in at Cuvee” 2:11am. Mobile Upload: Cool pic at the coolest club with red shoe soles flashed. “Lauren has checked in at World Gym” 1:11pm. Notice no check-ins while scarfing a burrito down at 4am, checking into a rando’s bed or Gymboree (in my case)!

The FB Fighter – “Some people never change!” “You think you know some people…” Yes, we know you are talking about your significant other or BFF. I’ve had thoughts of this, BUT give it 5 minutes and then think about if you REALLY want to publicize your drama and fight with your nemesis via wall post.

The Prom King/Queen – I may be anti-social and am perhaps quite envious because I cannot even seem to break and hold 300, but I am always in awe/wonderment of how people are able to rack up over 500 friends! Do they run campaigns ala Rahm Emanuel at their local El stop? Do they hand out little cards with their pics and contact info on them, like the shady guys do on the Vegas stip with pics of their “girls”? How do they know this many people!?

The Political Rally-er– Insert slanted article from political mag. Insert status update about how much Facebooker hates our president. Get over it! Politics are personal, so unless you want to keep positive, we will “Like” Fox News or CNBC if we want this jamming up our news feed.

The Faux-Profile Pic – You know the one! The person who throws up the profile pic of them 25lbs thinner and 5yrs younger. We’re on to you, as we all have thrown up the pic with the chin jut to prevent double chin action! Obviously most of us aren’t racing to throw up a pic of ourselves after spending the winter months in seclusion and wolfing down 15 snickers bars, but you’re not fooling anyone! 

The Drunk “Liker”/”Friender” – Ever wake up in the morning shocked to see that your Ex-BFF has has friend-ed you or the Ex-Girlfriend you dumped “Liked” your status? It’s the case of the drunk Facebooker, a fate worse that being a drunk texter because EVERYONE can see what you’ve done!

The Shameless Self Promoter – You know the one! That chick who uses Facebook to shamelessly self-promote herself. She’s always screwing up your news-feed with fabulous articles on fashion and reality television. Need further clarification? Follow me at: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/The-Big-Blonde-Hair-Blog/193507560670721

 

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Comments

  1. Kelly says

    This was awesome. I have one to add… the “Fisher”… fishing for compliments/attention. changes profile pic every other day, takes pics of themselves in the bathroom mirror and posts or tries to make remarks about how she doesnt understand why people love her so much…

  2. Karin Otto Price says

    You nailed it! Everything that causes me facebook rage bundled up into an informative blog post. I'd like to add the "TGIFer". You know, the person who logs on to say "TGIF!" on Friday. Then on Monday posts about it being Monday. Then Wednesday is hump day and Thursday is "Come on Friday!" or something of the sort. I swear if not for those Facebookers, I wouldn't know what day it is.

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