February 23, 2011-
Original Post 10.15.2010
The world is crumbling. “Nooooo!” I scream in the waiting room of my doctors office. ” There were no signs! It can’t be over already. I’m not ready! I’m not ready!” I weep, slamming my Life & Style the table. Courteney and David were done. These people loved each other so much. Relationship, down the drain with no signs? Affairs of the heart? One night stands? My world stands still. I modeled my marriage after theirs! We named our son Coco (okay, you caught me)! I reclaim the magazine before the woman with the hacking cough to my right snatches it up.
Suddenly, I remember that anyone who thinks this relationship would actually work needs a slap upside the ole’ cranium. No kidding Courteney Cox-Arquette was going to get sick of acting like David Arquette’s mom. Have you seen them? She’s got it together and he is certifiable. It’s all giggles when you are watching him on TV or he’s playing dopey Dewey in the Scream movies, but when you are washing his Spiderman briefs and spoon-feeding him Count Chocula every time he gets the munchies it’s a different ballgame.
The BEST part is that it is NEWS that he dialed up Howard Stern and spilled the “intimate details” of the split. Next you are going to tell me he enjoys the use of illegal substances! During the session with Stern, Arquette claimed that Courteney was having an “emotional affair” with a co-star, while he had a tried and true one (or two) night stand with a H-Wood groupie. Again, I didn’t a need a psychology degree to see this one coming. He seems to have the emotional capacity of a 5-year-old, which he proved by crying to Stern on air.
Single ladies; Please view the clip below and take note of the type of behavior exhibited. It is a precursor for divorce. Let this be a lesson from our Hollywood counterparts and choose your mate accordingly:
What’s that you say, Life and Style? Christina Auguilera and JORDAN BRATMAN are breaking up? THE Jordan Bratman? There are allegations of her infidelity? The girl, who wore ass-less chaps in the Dirty video (and looked great, btw) cheated on her husband? I read on. The two met while he worked for her music managlement company. I’ve got news, if you want to keep a diva like Christina, you need to own the management company. I read once that he proposed to her by filling a hotel room with balloons and roses. More news J-Man; You propose to Christina with a room full of diamonds and white bengal tigers. You want it to work for this guy, but unless you’ve got a Genie in a Bottle (yeah, I went there), the world is a cold place for an “Average Jordan”.
Single men; If she’s wearing this (see link) when you meet her, you see the words infidelity on your divorce documents. Try not to re-play this all day and fall behind in your work.
Depressed, I drop the magazine and its swooped up by the woman hacking on my right. She flips open the magazine turns to me. I cringe and bust out the hand sanitizer. “You mean to tell me Brett Favre, husband and father of 2, philanthropist and avid crossword puzzle solver (see – Brett Favre official website) sexted pics of his “Lil’ Quarterback” (From what I hear ‘Lil is more than appropriate) to a hot reporter while playing for the Jets?” She laments.
“Wait, wait, wait. An athlete…cheating on his wife?! This can’t be!” I cry. And then I slap her. Verbally that is. I ask her if she had learned nothing from Tiger Woods. Pro athletes C-H-E-A-T. And yes, I will stereotype. I would go as far to say that the exception is those who don’t cheat (Kurt Warner, if you aren’t the exception I will never believe again). They have money, they are on the road, and they have spent their whole lives being told how fabulous they are while being showered in women’s panties (I have never understood the panty tossing, btw.). In fact, I won’t even limit it to professionals. Ladies, take heed, even if he is just the pitcher for the Toledo Mudhens.
Exhibit E – Really?
….Letterman? You should be writing Brett and Tiger a Thank You note for taking the heat off of your doggy dog ways…Even old men with heart problems and gap teeth have their pick of the litter in Hollywood folks.
“Mrs. Sebastian,” a nurse calls my name and guides me into a room. “Did you hear the rumor that Ashton cheated on Demi with a 20 something waitress?” She asks, wide eyed.
Here we go again….