First I’d like to congratulate Shawntel on getting to go on MY dream date. Shopping spree at the Crystals?!! Bah-nanas!!! The Fendi dress she picked was a solid, versatile choice (black can also be worn frequently to her place of work), BUT I was left in wonderment when I didn’t spot a Chanel or Gucci bag in that pile, arguably THE most important stores in that very mall. Also, if I was left to my devices in that place, I am unsure if that Fendi bag that she showed off to the ladies was the one I would have chosen, because I’m pretty sure that was on it’s way to the Fendi outlet. But I guess her clients won’t notice. Hopefully she can get something like half of the $5000 it cost if she tries to hawk it on EBay.

The more “romantic” (I use this term loosely because traditional romance isn’t often present once the corpse chatter commences) part of the date, consisting of dinner atop Aria and the most amazing view of my promised land of Las Vegas, was interesting. I think we were all grinning when she told Brad that she was going to eat while she discussed the embalming and face molding process with him.Yikes! I am not sure if he kept her around because he didn’t want to look like he was stereotyping her profession by acting sketched out or if he really admires that she is different. I am pretty confident she isn’t the “one” for Brad, but for Edward Cullen, possibly (As I, once again, find myself mentioning vampires way to often this season.).

Of course the group date was a capital M-E-S-S. First of all, did anyone notice Brad’s cheese-ball exit from the race car he pulled up in??? Hysterical. Second, and more importantly, it was an obvious attempt to make Emily crack on TV. I can’t believe she even got into the car. I think Brad should just pick her now…She obviously isn’t a complainer and he will get her to do whatever he wants without a fuss or fight for the rest of his life. I am SO glad I am not a Southern Belle because I just couldn’t hack it! I would have never gone through with that! Did anyone else notice that Brad mentioned Dale Earnhardt Jr., who Emily is rumored to have dated, in his speech introducing the date? The producers obviously were trying even harder to make her feel terrible with that jab.

I found it totally gross that the other women were so jealous that Brad was giving Emily extra attention. Have some compassion you lonely wenches! You’re making the rest of our gender look bad. She obviously wasn’t going to get the shoulder to cry on from you “ladies”. And really, stop complaining to Brad about not feeling “special”. That is insane. Life sucks, ladies. In real life, if a guy is more into the girl next to you at the bar, he isn’t going to pay more attention to you just for fun(unless you are easy and your friend isn’t ;-). These chickies better learn this really quick, because all but one of them is about to be saddled back up to a bar looking for love after a few short weeks. Note to Allie the Apparel Merchant from OH – Hush up and start getting over it now, he isn’t going to pick you. AND the next guy you find isn’t going to have producers surrounding him to tell him the color of the dress you were wearing when you first met to make into a component of a mini baked confection.

On a complimentary group date note, after seeing Michelle and Emily poolside, I’d like to thank them for proving that Mom’s can be smokin’ hot! The 2 sexiest ladies on the show (arguably) have popped kids out. This is totally about me, BUT it’s fabulous for me to have found more mom’s on TV I can pretend to be friends with aside from Kourtney and Kendra!

On the Ashley elimination date, I somehow knew that crazy Ashley H. would be the last one standing. Brad’s got a little case of the “I Heart Crazy Chicks” syndrome, a common ailment among those good-looking, semi-normal and his age who have never gotten hitched. Ashley S. took things very hard, but I would have preferred her fate to performing in front of 1800+ people. Is this Fear Factor? Is Joe Rogan going to step in for Chris Harrison next episode and make everyone eat bull testicles? Good good god! Ashley S. is a cute, seemingly nice girl, and I felt for her. Her departing limo scene with the Elvis music crackling in the background was very reminiscent of the extremely disturbing scene in Girl Interrupted where the girl who loved her chicken was found hanging from the ceiling, to me. I just hope she got over it quickly and made it to Tao! Can you imagine how many free drinks she could score after a night like hers?

And now, my weekly designated I <3 Emily/I’m and only child me-me-me moment….I now know how Emily affords her fabulous Louboutins…She splurges on the shoes and saves on the dress! Her black and white striped sequin bandage dress is straight from the racks of Forever21. AND I’d like to publicly state that the same dress is hanging in my closet ready to be worn this weekend!You can imagine how exciting seeing my girl crush in a dress that I have must have been for me in my uneventful life…SWF glory moment! It’s a killer and super inexpensive, but it looks like it’s no longer available online. It’s worth it to stop in the brick and mortar and dig through the racks. Also, who’s with me that Emily will not win but will be the next Bachelorette?

As for eliminations, there were 3 girls who got the old heave-ho, and I recognized 2 of 3 this week, which is progress (Side note: Can’t he just eliminate Brit and get it over with? I feel like he’s just keeping some girls around because he’s afraid of looking like a jerk. Whatever happened the good old Jake Pavelka boot a few extra girls off at a time technique?). But really…What better place to get the boot than VEGAS? I can think of 100 things the ditched divas could do that would be more fun than hanging out with Brad! If they miss him that much they can pick up an Elvis impersonator and dim the lights….With that hair and accent it will seriously be the same thing!