The Bachelor – South Africa Style

February 28, 2011-

By Lauren

 

The Bachelor hit an all time low this week by turning the “Fantasy Suite” into a Tree House and taking one poor girl on a picnic that required an armed guard. The crime scene was South Africa, a perfect place to film an episode full of animal footage to insert at inappropriate times. The country is absolutely gorgeous, but I have to think St.Lucia is more the place for relaxing and romancing Bachelor-style. I was having anxiety watching Brad and his ladies in such close proximity to dangerous beasts and the eminent threat of bugs larger than their heads that HAD to be hiding in the bushes ( I looked it up and there are supposedly 80,000 species of insects there people!). Brad wasn’t pulling your leg when he mentioned “South Africa is dangerous” (cue “menacing” elephant pass by)!

Lucky lady Chantel O. had the first date, strutting up ready to safari and leaving me wondering if she packed her outfit when she initially came to the show or if she bought once she found out she would be traveling to a potential-safari zone. It also left me wondering if most people pack such gear when entering safari friendly country, or if it’s only goofy tourists with the “Pack black for NYC, Hawaiian shirt for Hawaii, and khaki color’s and cargo’s for South Africa” mentality. Apparently Brad got the memo as well, judging by his goofy safari hat, always a turn on….

I don’t know about Chantel O., but I was suspicious the producers might have a hit out on her. A date feet away from lions? A picnic that required an armed guard? And those unassuming-looking hippos creeping in the nearby pond eat people for dinner, those of you who have Animal Planet know what I’m saying! I swear, someone is going to end up seriously injured on this show at some point! Despite the imminent danger lurking, Chantel O. made everything seem so right with the profession that “This date is a metaphor for what is going on in our relationship”, equating beasts that would swallow her with one bite to a season on a reality TV show

However, Brad almost did me in when I took a look at the “Fantasy Suite”. If I was Chantel O. I would have given the “key” (obviously non-functional) right back to him. A freaking tree-house? In the middle of nowhere? With all of those dangerous animals and insects roaming free looking to eat bachelor contestants like them? I almost called a doctor for a Xanex prescription just thinking about them sleeping there. It was like Fear Factor camping! What ever happened to a 4 star suite at the Ritz for a nice young lady? I noticed she didn’t thank him for “planning” such a wonderful date this time! But, apparently they made it out alive because US Weekly didn’t pronounce them dead.

Emily’s date was next, on which she ROCKED the denim shirt look – not an easy feat. She either has really good taste or she is working with a stylist. More importantly (possibly) Emily’s date involved riding around on an elephant, something that can also be done at a circus, but thankfully Emily had “always dreamed of going to Africa and riding on an elephant” (really?).  After a lot of “dear lord’s” and “goodness gracious’s” the ride was over. They chatted about missing Little Ricki (Do we think Brad REALLY misses Little Ricki?), kissed…And then the producers cut to elephants romantically frolicking and “kissing” in the water.

During the more serious parts of the date, an extremely nervous Brad offered Emily keys to the “Fantasy Suite” and Emily hesitated, but went for it in a totally graceful and respectable manor, meaning that Chantel O. and her hadn’t talked about the possibility she could end up in a tree house with a giraffe as an alarm clock.  Lucky for Ms. Maynard, the fantasy suite was indoors, and Brad said that he was falling in love with her. I must say, I felt something there! Until that moment I thought Chantel O. went home with the bling, but this changed everything!!!

And then there was Ashley H. who should have been sent home after her first date with Brad.  I now know why she has been forced into a profession that allows her clients the option of anesthesia. The segment of the show with her in it was so dull and annoying I cringe at even re-hashing it.  She acted like an annoying little sister on this date, especially, and her refusal to answer Brad’s questions that were totally legit questions for someone who was a potential wife was gross. The worst part was that HE kept apologizing to HER, when it was obviously her malfunction. And then he still invited her to the “Fantasy Suite” for some awkward conversation about gnats.

In the end,he spared her the rose ceremony and she got to ride off in that awesome looking Land-Rover-ish SUV. Good-bye Ashely H! The producers should have made Brad keep Michelle Money around for this trip, she would have been entertaining and we know she already has the animal print that one may sport in such a destination.

After a totally awkward ending scene with Emily, Chantel O. and Brad, we were all left wondering who the lucky lady will be. Don’t wonder too hard, as you’ll need to use your Living Social Botox deal prematurely, because we won’t know for another 2 weeks. Next week we will be treated to “The Women Tell All” where we will get the dish from all of the ditched divas!

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  1. arlene says

    every post gets better i love the way you tell it like it is. never much watched the bachlor, but you make me tune in for the next expisode. great writing

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