Don’t Judge Me Until You’ve Walked An Aisle In My Local Discount Retailer

February 23, 2011-

By Lauren

Original Post 8.11.2010

Since becoming a stay at home mom (or Real Housewife of Cook County as I like to annoyingly refer to myself as) I have inquiring minds constantly asking me (cue condescending tone in certain female acquaintances) “What could you possibly be doing all day at home?” I rattle off the usual response, which often includes darning socks, baking pies, sewing on buttons and setting back the feminist movement by decades at a time, all at once! This is sometimes gets a response of “That’s great! Good for you!” Other times, it’s an “I couldn’t stay at home with my kid…I would go crazy.” with a tone essentially implying that this isn’t 1950 and I should get my booty away from my kiddo and out of the kitchen. Nevermind that I would get decked if I said the same thing back to any working mom. WELL, today, I am going to show everyone that I am making efficient use of my time and college education and what exactly we do with our days and why I absolutely love being at home with my bay bay. Note: This post is not about babies so please do not stop reading.

This morning was pretty standard (see sequence above). We did not anticipate the eye opening experience that the afternoon had in store for us. After taking Lil’ Mark on an educational outing to MAC *( TRUST ME, I know my son and he loves going there and will cherish these times with me forever) to return a few things and giving him ample time to giggle with the male Sales Associate who was prettier than me and had guyliner on that would put Adam Lamberts to shame, we decided it was time for an impromptu stop at a certain discount retailer, that shall remain nameless. Let’s just say it is a severely ugly step sister to the likes of Loehmanns or Nordstrom Rack and it rhymes with Smarshalls. I pretty much hate the place, but have been making some stops there because their baby section has an abundance of designer duds due to the slumping economy.

Upon entering the store, I immediately became distracted by shiny foil print on an Ed Hardy backpack and, instead of shopping, I became inspired to find the ugliest garments in the store. Below are the 10 ugliest pieces in the store (country?) **, in no particular order:

#1 – Mermaid Jeans – I uncovered these beauties in the clearance section. Please be sure to note the anatomically correct mermaid. I have enlarged the picture for your convenience. Children, close your eyes.

2- I almost called for the janitorial staff because I initially thought someone threw up on this and put it back on the rack. Dress or overcoat? Only you can decide.

3- Pepto Pink head to toe? NEVER okay, with the exception of Miss Piggy.

4- My gym would revoke my membership if I stepped through the door with these on, and I don’t even go to David Barton. Well, first, the staff would probably drop dead from the shock of seeing me in there. Then they would revoke my membership. ***

5- This is an ADULT nightgown, and possibly the best form of birth control I have ever seen, not to mention the cheapest, for you ladies on a budget!

6- To save us all some time, I am going to group the Ed Hardy stock together. They literally had something for the entire family and for every occasion, including housewares.

6A – Blazer for Dad to wear to his high profile job as manager at The Admiral

6B- If you have big dreams for you 3-6 month old baby girl and would to love give her a true shot at being cast on “Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch”, Season 18, I suggest the Hoodie below

6C. It is somewhat hard to tell, but there are white leggings made for what looks to be an elementary school aged girl. Perfect follow up to sweatshirt above as your little sweetheart Chardonnay enters her teen years.

6D – I COULD NEVER forget Mom! Her are some lovely coffee mugs for her morning stroll past the nuclear power plant. There is even one to share with a lucky member of her Mom’s group!

7- When I was a child, tutu’s were for dance class. I get dressing small babies up in them for pictures, but they are now a part of the everyday section? Good luck not raising spoiled brats if this is in their daily wardrobe rotation. Have you not seen Teresa Guidice’s kids? The proof is in the pudding my friends.

8- You know, I have seen this wash of denim on celebs, but I don’t think it will fly here in the Windy City with us practical Midwesterners strolling around in our crocs (I just threw up in my mouth a little) and North Face jackets. Upon sight, I promptly contacted management to have the additional stock in transit re-routed to Los Angeles and Brett Michaels home.

9. Seriously, adult women, don’t even think about it. If you are thinking about it, don’t tell anyone.

10- This little onesie here is the inspiration for the entire blog, so I’ve got nothing but love for it…sort of.

And YOU thought I wasn’t using my college degree :-). Don’t judge me until you’ve walked aisle in my….Smarshalls, because I actually enjoyed every bit of our day!

*Makeup, NOT computers, helllooo

** Please keep in mind that this store is located downtown Chicago, one of the largest cities in the country. I’m not saying we are a fashion center like NYC, but I shudder to think of what this certain chain ships to their locations in less populated areas.

*** Quality of this picture is low grade due to the fact I was on the run, as I sensed one of the store employees was on to me.

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